my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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