Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
