I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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