I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
