I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I didn't notice because vodka
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
