Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
