I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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