nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
