shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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