dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
