i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
