Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My vagina just clenched in fear
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