I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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