I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
