At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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