What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
