someone get that fucking seahorse.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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