I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
