He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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