I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
