Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
