You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
