He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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