Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You are the jesus of drinking
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
