Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
