Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
