dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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