After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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