She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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