I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
