I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
