a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I wish there were birth control emojis
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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