he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
