You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
