things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
