those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
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