I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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