Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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