Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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