The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
