Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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