we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
