I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
