I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
