I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
