I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
