hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
