He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
