I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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