someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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