she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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