Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
