I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
What a dumb baby whore.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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